no more loops please

At a recent weekend away with some women from church, we were discussing re-occurring dreams.  Mine involves rollercoasters. ??  In reality, I love them.  I grew up near an amusement park and have had a season pass to ride those coasters for most of my life.  I loved them even more when I was younger before they hurt my back and made me nauseous, but at no time have they really given me anxiety.  And yet, my dream is about my belt or restraints coming lose (often on a loop or big hill) and me having to hang on for dear life for the rest of the ride so I don't die.  So weird, I know.
Lately, I feel like this is more reflective of what is going on in reality.  Not an actual coaster... but I assume you get that.  This year has been a rollercoaster far more extreme than anything I experienced as a teen in high school.  We've had some amazing celebrations, with the birth of Ben topping the list.  We've had a lot of heartache over the loss of some very special loved ones.  Timing that just doesn't seem right and people we were not ready to give up.  We've also had some major life changes involving our plan for missions- something Brandon and I have felt called to since high school.  
Before we moved here, we were approved as missions candidates through our denomination, which meant we sold our house, quit our jobs and said goodbye to all friends and family to begin the process of heading overseas.  For the past 2 1/2 years, we've been at a church (Bran as the youth pastor) for what is called our home assignment; the last step before our final interview and anticipated appointment to a ministry field.  However, in July we found out that we are no longer being considered for overseas missions.  I could explain that it came down to the language test given to us about 1 1/2 years into our time here- not scoring high enough for the targeted countries in Asia and the Middle East where most candidates are being sent- but have you ever just felt like a square peg trying to fit a round hole?  The further we got into the process, the more I felt like, man, we are not at all what they are looking for.  Talk about a discouraging year of not measuring up.  I've felt like our personalities, our gifts, our goals are just not the profile wanted.  We went into this with hearts for missions and a pull towards the Latin American culture.  With Brandon's undergrad degree in Missions, we were approaching the typical church planting route and I have always wanted to incorporate work with orphans into that.  The denomination has done a major shift in the past couple of years towards ...most everywhere other than Latin America and less traditional roles for workers (business people, English teachers, etc), as well as a narrowing of the amount of people sent due to the economic crunch.  The more we said, well, yeah, we can do that instead, the more I wondered if we were still listening to God's leading in our life or trying to make things work because we were already so invested in the process.  Well, the decision was made for us and that was a really hard thing to hear.  
It's felt like the death of a dream and it took some time to mourn that.  Not that we can't still do missions, I know, but most all of our connections are within churches of our denomination, who give to a central fund to support their missionaries.  Going through another agency and raising all of our support seems overwhelming, not that it's impossible.  Also, maybe the door was closed for a reason and maybe that is a shift in our thinking of what missions will look like for us.  Maybe it's stateside, maybe it's short-term trips, maybe it's not yet.  These are all the things we've been discussing for the last several months and so far we don't have a peace about what the next step is ...so we stay, pray, wait.  
I've also had a hard time getting over the way certain things were handled.  Comparing the process I've had to use from colleges when I had student teachers and interns in my classroom, makes me feel like we were a little "wronged" or set up for failure.  Also, if any of you wondered, why wasn't the language test given before we moved/quit/sold?- I've wondered and asked that more than once but have not gotten a clear answer.  Some things you just have to let go... and get over.
I'm ready for the rollercoaster ride to slow down.  Sometimes it feels like my security isn't there and my grip is weak.  It's scary not knowing what's ahead and what we'll be required to handle in the future, but I have to remind myself (or more commonly be reminded by a few good friends who have walked through this with us) of a few truths. 

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid?"

Isaiah 40:30-31 "even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion, but those who trust in the Lord will find new strength."

2 Corinthians12:9 "But he said the me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

 It's embarrassing to face this.  It's hard to feel like a failure.  We were sent from our home church with the most amazing support and excitement and we didn't get farther than four hours away.  But I'm learning to focus more on the God side of things rather than the me side- that's a lot more encouraging.  And if it means boasting about my weaknesses, I'm confident that there will be a lot of power in it (I have A LOT of weaknesses!!).  So... lots of learning happening right now.  The hard kind that I admittedly whine and drag my feet through but it's happening.  As this story continues, so will my blogging about it.